John Gottman: How to Compromise

Keep these 3 steps in mind the next time you need to compromise on something with your partner:

[Remember, of happy, healthy couples, 69% of all arguments are unresolvable!! So the goal is not to be on the same page. It is HOW we communicate that helps us stay close and feel respected.]

1: Identify your core needs Start by defining the non-negotiable parts of the issue—what you cannot yield on without compromising your core identity. Keep this list as small as possible to create room for collaboration.

2: Clarify flexible areas Next, identify where you can be flexible, such as timing, pace, methods, or temporary solutions.

Ask these questions to understand your partner’s flexibility better: 

• Help me understand your flexible areas.

• What do we agree about?

• What are our common goals?

• How might these goals be accomplished?

• How can we reach a temporary compromise?

• What feelings do we have in common?

• How can I help to meet your core needs?

3: Create a compromise, even if it’s temporary Discuss what you’re willing and able to do right now while respecting your partner’s needs and perspective.

Example: One partner prefers staying up late to wind down alone; the other values going to bed together for connection and routine.

Partner A (night owl):

• Core need: “I need some quiet alone time at night to relax and decompress. It helps me sleep better.”

• Flexible areas: “I’m open to going to bed at the same time a few nights a week or doing a wind-down routine together first.”

Partner B (early sleeper):

• Core need: “I feel most connected when we go to bed together. It’s part of how I feel close to you.”

• Flexible areas: “I’m okay if we don’t go to bed at the same time every night, as long as we have some shared connection before bed.”

Compromise: “Let’s create a shared bedtime routine a few nights a week, like brushing our teeth together or chatting in bed, then you can stay up afterward if you need solo time. On other nights, we’ll be flexible and check in about what we both need.”