Healthy Fighting: Time-Out Method with Soft Start Up

NOTE: Of happy, healthy couples, 69% of all arguments are unresolvable!! So the goal is not to be on the same page. It is HOW we communicate that helps us stay close and feel respected. 

Discussions will end on the same note they begin. If you start an argument harshly by attacking, it will end with attacking and everyone feeling badly. ☹  

• Use a soft start-up *see below

• Be specific.

• Only 1 problem at a time.

• Don’t’ blame…They won’t feel attacked. 

• Don’t criticize…They won’t go on the defensive. 

• Watch your tone….They will be more receptive to your concerns and needs.

• There are no heroes and no villains. Remember, they are not your enemy.

• Admit your role in the problem. 

• Think of yourself and your spouse as on the same team.

• Experiment; re-evaluate; makes changes as necessary (BE FLEXIBLE)

Avoid you, always, or never (or they will tell you the exception.)

• If you say, “You never put your dishes in the dishwasher,” they will say, “That’s not true; I just did it last week.”

• Try instead, “When you leave your dishes on the counter, I feel frustrated because I feel like you expect that I should do it for you. What I would like is for you to put your dishes in the dishwasher as soon as you get up from the table. Then I won’t feel so exhausted in the evenings after I clean up and I will have more time to hang out with you without feeling resentful.”

DO SAY:

When you  ________________

I feel ____________________

Because _____________________

What I would like is for you to ______________

TIME OUT

• If the discussion gets too heated, someone needs to call a time out and say, “Let’s take a break and come back to finish discussing this in 20 minutes.”

• When we are angry and our heart beats faster, our brain moves from the rational part to the irrational part…not the best time to have a discussion.

• When you are in your time out, take deep breaths to help calm down. This helps move your brain from irrational back to rational.

• Return and try again (using the “Soft Start Up”).